Why a Blog?
The last several months have undoubtedly been the most difficult of my life. I’ve faced more than ever: my great weaknesses and wounding, the imperfection of human relationships, and an unprecedented level of “senioritis”. (Seriously, I don’t know if anyone has ever crawled to graduation more pitifully than I am).
But in all the pain, Jesus has been right next to me as a gentle healer, comforter, friend, and often punching bag. He has seen the depths of my ugly heart, and He hasn’t run away. He’s been speaking to me in the darkest of places, healing me piece by piece, and leaving me with beautiful truths. So, in all that crazy, intense, too-much-to-contain healing, I thought writing out what He’s doing in my life could be a really helpful outlet in my processing (and if I can share a good word here and there with my friends, why not?) So here’s a lens into my world!
Seeking His Face
I thought I’d begin by explaining why I’ve chosen this phrase to title my blog.
Last year, I came up against a really big decision – the kind you lose sleep and your appetite over. All I knew is that I desperately wanted to be obedient to the Lord, but I wasn’t sure what He wanted me to do. So there I was, helpless and filled with fear that I would make the wrong choice and, of course, ruin my life – maybe even the whole world – for all of eternity (I’m a bit of a catastrophic thinker). So maybe I wouldn’t ruin humanity, but it did seem like whatever I chose would lead to pain and suffering and I wondered how the God who claimed to love me so much could put me in this impossible situation.
I sought the advice of one of the most beautifully wise women I know, and she left me with this: Seek His face, Hillary. Not just His hand, but His face. Not just the answer, but Him. For when we look to God only for His guidance we miss so much – so much of what He wants to do, who He is, how He wants to love us. We miss Him. Seek His face, and I promise you’ll find your answer, too.
I have not been able to shake this nugget of truth since then. I realized that when I seek Jesus only for the guidance or answers He can give me, I reduce Him to merely a clue-holder in the grand scavenger hunt that is life. I take what he can give me and then run on to the next thing until I need Him again. Friends, He is so much more than that.
Think about how awful it feels when someone only calls/texts you when they need something, when you can give them something. You want to be appreciated for who you are, not just what you can do. Why do we believe Jesus deserves any less?
I am eternally grateful for this wisdom and that I did not settle for anything less than getting to know the heart of my Creator more intimately. In the midst of my pressing decision, I spent an entire day, in my hammock, at the park, swinging with the One for whom my soul longs. I did not pressure Jesus for an answer. I relaxed and just hung out with Him, my friend, and I learned. I learned about how He sees me and about who He is. I gained a more full understanding of what He was doing in my life. I experienced real intimacy with Him. And guess what? He did lead me to a decision. And yes, there was pain and suffering, but in knowing him more deeply I can hold tightly to the truth that it will be okay. I have a greater confidence that I will make it through this hard season pruned and refined for following Him, even when it was scary and hard – an assurance I don’t believe a simple answer would have given me.
Seek His hand, and you will know what to do.
But, seek His face and you will know so much more.
Jesus, help us to be sons and daughters who seek to know ALL of you because you are good, not just because of what you can give us. Teach us about ourselves, about you, about the uniquely deep intimacy we can have with only You as our savior and creator. May we not miss out by limiting you, but rather experience the fullness of your love.